Bad weather really effects me, not just SAD but it keeps me prisoner, i can't do what i want to do so my head goes down and the negative thoughts come through strong again. Almost 3 weeks have passed since i began taking the medication again.....i'm much more stable, less likely to break down but still not able to move on with any conviction.

Is it wrong to Hope? Maybe another chance......

The 'christmas' letter to my parents that i didn't send. First off was my thoughts on the card they sent to me, the points are the usual blurb you get on a xmas card....

'Thoughts from christmas card

JOY - i can't remember what this feels like
EXCITEMENT - help me out here
HAPPYNESS - It's a myth, i don't think we are capable. We are all too self-obsessed that we have all lost sight of what this is.
CELEBRATE - A time for family and friends perhaps? Family is a disappointment for me, likely my own fault and currently unsatisfactory, this is unlikely to change....
WHAT IS THE DAY ABOUT - Christ, family? No, it's about what we can get! ....Ipads, Dr Who, over-eating, etc... :-(
HOPE - There is none....dictionary definition is 'a state in which promotes the desire of a positive outcome' ......i wish i were dead for instance?
PEACE - Not a chance! Governments won't let it happen.....it's not profitable! I'd settle for peace in my own head or at least for the voices to cease.
SPECIAL - I used to think we were all special, we aren't. we're different, dictionary definition says 'belonging to a person or place' i don't belong and i have no identity, i don't/can't adapt.
THOSE WE KNOW - I don't even know me but i have even less of a clue who you are!
LOVE - It's biological, you have to love? I don't, it has to be earned.
DEAREST J******* - Tell me what's dear about me?
MAY YOUR CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR BRING HAPPINESS - This is the most unhappy time of the year for me, i dread it, i feel more alone than ever, isolated and broken. Seeing others so happy makes all these feelings worse. It means nothing to me, all i want is you to be there for me and you're not.

Next up comes the letter intended for inside the christmas card......

I received your card today, i would thank you but i wont as it's just too upsetting and i don't understand why you would send such a card? It even crossed my mind - are you deliberately trying to hurt me? Playing with my mind perhaps? I don't know......
On 3rd November i replied to a text you sent.....'not feeling too great at the moment going to be lying low for a bit' and now phone call or visit to see how i am, just a text or 2 since. If i told you i had Cancer would you ignore me? I'm very confused.
I'm the architect of everything i suspect, yes but the mind rules the body so should i be taken to task given the hand i've been dealt? What happened to support, family.....? Anyway, i'm here again, i never really left i guess but the old friend is back and i'm suckling on the teat of misery once again..... Alone again at Christmas. I just made it last year after my ritual abandonment, i doubt i'll be so 'lucky' this time, no focus you see, nothing! Why was i forgotten last Christmas? My first Christmas after T**** left.....so many questions needed to be asked and answered. Why am i like this? Was i always this way? Is faith a healer, Mary? Why do you cry when you see me, David? I can cry again, i'm weeping while i write this..... No further forward as a family since the reintroduction to the bosom, do we have to wait 'till someone else dies? Lets just sweep it under the carpet again :-(

Lost of Love,  July 1974'

Pretty fucked up stuff, eh?

It's been a while, almost a year.....although i'm right back where i was back then i did achieve some sort of short-lived recovery so i know i can do this. I've also made a decision to seek professional help this time and yes i will be medicating once again....i vowed never to do this but it's the only way if i'm going to have anything that could be called a 'normal' life?

Look, i'm not well and i know this....the way my mind works is flawed/wrong but this is how it is so the thoughts and feelings however mis-guided or incorrect they are real, well to me anyway so therefore are real and factual? If i've made my mind up about something however unfounded it's real, does that make sense? .....Probably not!

Christmas was hard, not had any contact with the family since the start of October.....my parents are such a problem to me, they make me feel so unhappy and don't seem to care or rather don't know how to care?

I wrote a letter to them but didn't have the balls to send it......