The 'christmas' letter to my parents that i didn't send. First off was my thoughts on the card they sent to me, the points are the usual blurb you get on a xmas card....

'Thoughts from christmas card

JOY - i can't remember what this feels like
EXCITEMENT - help me out here
HAPPYNESS - It's a myth, i don't think we are capable. We are all too self-obsessed that we have all lost sight of what this is.
CELEBRATE - A time for family and friends perhaps? Family is a disappointment for me, likely my own fault and currently unsatisfactory, this is unlikely to change....
WHAT IS THE DAY ABOUT - Christ, family? No, it's about what we can get! ....Ipads, Dr Who, over-eating, etc... :-(
HOPE - There is none....dictionary definition is 'a state in which promotes the desire of a positive outcome' ......i wish i were dead for instance?
PEACE - Not a chance! Governments won't let it happen.....it's not profitable! I'd settle for peace in my own head or at least for the voices to cease.
SPECIAL - I used to think we were all special, we aren't. we're different, dictionary definition says 'belonging to a person or place' i don't belong and i have no identity, i don't/can't adapt.
THOSE WE KNOW - I don't even know me but i have even less of a clue who you are!
LOVE - It's biological, you have to love? I don't, it has to be earned.
DEAREST J******* - Tell me what's dear about me?
MAY YOUR CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR BRING HAPPINESS - This is the most unhappy time of the year for me, i dread it, i feel more alone than ever, isolated and broken. Seeing others so happy makes all these feelings worse. It means nothing to me, all i want is you to be there for me and you're not.

Next up comes the letter intended for inside the christmas card......

I received your card today, i would thank you but i wont as it's just too upsetting and i don't understand why you would send such a card? It even crossed my mind - are you deliberately trying to hurt me? Playing with my mind perhaps? I don't know......
On 3rd November i replied to a text you sent.....'not feeling too great at the moment going to be lying low for a bit' and now phone call or visit to see how i am, just a text or 2 since. If i told you i had Cancer would you ignore me? I'm very confused.
I'm the architect of everything i suspect, yes but the mind rules the body so should i be taken to task given the hand i've been dealt? What happened to support, family.....? Anyway, i'm here again, i never really left i guess but the old friend is back and i'm suckling on the teat of misery once again..... Alone again at Christmas. I just made it last year after my ritual abandonment, i doubt i'll be so 'lucky' this time, no focus you see, nothing! Why was i forgotten last Christmas? My first Christmas after T**** left.....so many questions needed to be asked and answered. Why am i like this? Was i always this way? Is faith a healer, Mary? Why do you cry when you see me, David? I can cry again, i'm weeping while i write this..... No further forward as a family since the reintroduction to the bosom, do we have to wait 'till someone else dies? Lets just sweep it under the carpet again :-(

Lost of Love,  July 1974'

Pretty fucked up stuff, eh?